Mother's day can be bittersweet

Hi everybody,
today is mother's day as you probably know. My mom seems to be having a good day but that's not really what this blog post is about. Basically for years I've wanted to be a mother...and since my diagonisis I have wondered one question.

Would it be wrong of me to have children if I know that its very possible they will get my illness as well?

Not to mention that I worry about myself. I know when your pregnant you can't take your med.'s....could I handle that?

I worry a lot if I'd make a good mother or if thinking about it at all is irresponsible in some way.

Maybe I worry too much. It's not like I'm even married or anything. I still live at home with my parents and all. I guess I just felt the need to get my feelings out there. Until the time comes to make the big choice, I guess I'll just ponder over it but try not to let it get me too down.

-Pamela

song lyrics that got me by and through

Okay, so I promised more posts I plan to deliver but in the meantime I am going to post you these lyrics to a song that helped me a lot in my therapy. The Song is by Evanescence. I relate to it and connected with it on several levels. I have a copy of the lyrics on my bulletin board in my bedroom with some lyrics circle. And here we go...

"Lithium"

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels...
Lithium,...stay in love with my sorrow.
I'm gonna let it go.


the lyrics I have circled are 'I want to stay in love with my sorrow, Oh, but God, I want to let it go.' and the one that seemed to sum up my beginning feelings before my official diagnose which is 'I can't hold on to me, Wonder what's wrong with me.' and also 'Drown my will to fly.' These three pieces stuck out the most to me.

I think songs can be very helpful in therapy and I also write them. Maybe I'll get the courage to put some of my own lyrics up...sometime or another!

-Pamela

Nice to meet ya!

Hi there reader,
My name is Pamela and I live near Memphis, Tn. I am 22 years old. I have had three jobs in my life. Two best friends (one being my mom), and 3 or 4 boyfriends (Do you count a guy you never kissed? I still have debates about this one!). The real reason I am interesting might vary for some people...but I think alot of me being who I am has to do with me being one of the many people who are Bi-Polar in this world. Yes, I have a mental illness. No, I try not to let it hold me back. When I was sixteen I was put in outpatient at a nearby hospital and diagnosed by Dr. Hoehn. He is a children-teen psychiatrist but I still see him to this day, since we are such a good fit. He is a kind man with a funny sense of humor (He has toys all over his office ranging from Tickle-me-Freud to Dr. Bob cola -his first name is Robert-) He's always there when I need him most and its good to have had a steady part of my life besides my family in these years since things started to make more and less sense at the same time. More sense because I knew what was happening to me. Less because it didn't change anything, not really. I'll get into the more insane moment of my life and more details on what lead up to my first hospital visit, soon. But I just wanted to put this up and explain the name of my blog. My dad, a former marine, and current truck driver who didn't understand mental illnesses at all, made a joke about bi polar Polar Bears when I was at a low point and it really cracked me up and stuck with me. To this day he still calls it the polar bear disease...so when I thought - I should make a blog about my past and current struggles, AND my future goals.....I thought very simply - what else could it be called? Well now that you know a little about me. (Just a bit, I know, sorry I have to go visit my brother) I hope you'll stop back by and get to know more and give me your feedback. A small preview on whats to come -
Pam takes on bullying in school, and somehow survives, barely!
Meet my family, friends, and boyfriend
The jobs I've had and lost because of my anixety and issues
The medicines I take
A song that I can relate to
Exactly how many times I've been in and out of the hospital
famous people with Bipolar disorder
More education on the illness
PLUS SO MUCH MORE! Thanks for reading this...even if its two people and one of them is my mom ( I know she'll end up reading this, since she has a blog here too.) I think this will really help to write and talk out things.
-Pamela